I called my doctor before leaving town to tell her about my positive test and the bleeding situation and she said it could have been what they call implantation bleeding. I thought to myself if that's what it was I need to be super careful. I went on the bachelorette party to Charleston and pretended to be drinking the whole weekend (not so easy to do). I then left for the beach with my family. I was antsy for Tommy to get there because I knew my family would catch on to me not wanting a glass of wine with dinner or a beer on the beach. He managed to get there just in time before my Nana's birthday dinner on the Tuesday and we announced we were pregnant. I was hesitant in doing this because my gut was still telling me that something was wrong but then again it's my family and either way I needed them to know. I went the whole week anxious to get back to town.
I wasn't scheduled to go into the doctor for another week after getting home but as I was praying about it I was lead to change that appointment. On that Tuesday after we arrived home, I went in for an ultrasound and confirmation of pregnancy. I will never forget the first sentence that came out of the ultrasound tech's mouth which was "I don't see anything. Are you sure you are pregnant?" I was in complete shock and thankfully Tommy was with me. We then had to wait for what felt like an eternity in the waiting room before getting our own room to speak to the doctor. The instant we got into our own room I burst into tears. The doctor came in and instantly said "don't jump to any conclusions just yet. We might just be too early to detect anything on an ultrasound." She tried to make me feel at ease but down in my heart I knew what had happened. I got a significant amount of blood drawn that day and then I returned two days later to see how my HCG levels were. I got the call when I was at the pool with my friends that indeed I had had a spontaneous miscarriage because my levels were dropping. I had to go again to make sure they went back down to zero. It's hard to explain your immense sense of loss and grief for someone you never got to meet or hear was alive. This child of mine will never be forgotten but I also am not one who can dwell on the loss. I needed to move forward and know that there was a reason this baby did not survive.
This was such a low point for me and Tommy. We had only told our families but since I was at the pool with two friends I had to tell them what was wrong and that I had been pregnant and miscarried all in the same sentence. I have never felt the way I did that week. I've never seen my husband so torn up before either. This is something you don't prepare for and you wonder what you could have done differently. The only thing you can do during this time is pray and that I did.
Tommy and I were going on vacation the following week and it couldn't have come at a better time. We both needed to get away and escape reality for a bit. I needed time to digest, recover, and rejuvenate. We were told we needed to wait one cycle before trying again so we followed doctors orders.
We found out we were pregnant again on August 29th. I have never been so excited and scared all at the same time except in my heart I knew this was different. I was so at ease this time around. My doctor had told me that when I got another positive test that I should come in that week and they would monitor my HCG levels. When she called with my first results and the numbers were higher than they were at 6 weeks before I felt this weight lifted. Two days later she called with the second results and said I didn't need to come back again and I could go ahead and schedule my 8 week appointment. I had prayed every morning and every night since this summer for a healthy baby and god had answered my prayer. I knew he was the one making me feel so at ease. It was so hard to explain that ease to Tommy (who was worried until 12 weeks) but I just knew this time it was different.
I have learned a lot about myself, my relationship with my husband and my relationship with the lord over the past 5 months. You think you can plan all you want but God has a bigger plan for you and you have to have faith in that. Every doctors appointment I find myself getting anxious before but I am so relieved after. I am so excited to embark on this journey to motherhood and I can't wait to share every step of this journey with Tommy. He is going to be such a good girls dad (he just doesn't know it yet).
I debated whether or not to write about this but for me I wanted to have my story written. I've read so many blogs lately about miscarriage and how women are afraid to talk about it. I think it's important to know that it does happen and it's OK to talk about it. Just this morning A Cup of Jo had a post written from three of her friends perspectives. Just last week my sister sent me a story from someone who had a story very similar to mine. This is a part of my journey to motherhood and is a part of our story. We are so fortunate to be in the midst of a healthy pregnancy right now but that won't stop me from praying day in and day out for a healthy baby girl in six months. Thank you for taking the time to read and I hope that this brings comfort to someone who has just had a miscarriage that there is hope out there and that it can be something that is just a part of your story but isn't your whole story.